My Heart Hurts

I remember how it feels like the first time I realized I fell in love with this person. I never expect everything turns out like this. I was so lonely I really need someone to talk. I feel so depressed and I can't rely myself on me. I need someone to share to talk to. 
Then he came into my life, I don't know what's his intention but time goes by we continuously fill each other time. But I realized I'm not that important in his life. I keep denial and think that everything is okay, I think I love him. I can literally having mental breakdown every time he abandoned me, even though I know it's because his family, or he's thinking his future or or he met his favorite girl that he dreamed of, I don't know. I pretend I don't know, when actually I know I'm not worth his time. 

I'm trying my best being his support system, but he never trust me and that's hurt so bad. Three years and he never trust me. It's okay if someone I love not love me back, I've done that before, maybe I used to it. But this time hurts so bad. He never ever want to mention me, or even my name in his personal life. He never ever wants me to show up in front of his family, okay I can't pushed someone to do that, even in front of his family.

You know how it feels like when you're on the phone but suddenly he shut the phone for no reason, I don't know someone's calling, or his friends showed up then he can throw me whatever he like. Or when you're talking and suddenly he ignores you because his sister come to his room. Can you just said to me nicely and stop hiding me from your family or your friends. I'm not a criminal why you ashamed hanging out with me. I pretend I was fine, when actually that's hurts. 

The first time that popped up in my mind the first time I'm working in my current office was visiting you, by myself just to meet you. I can't go somewhere abroad by myself but I ignore that because I'm just too in love. But then my sister stopped me because I'm not supposed to do like that, if someone love you too he find a way.

I think it stopped there, but my feeling remain the same. My friends hate him, then block him because he's not saying happy birthday to me. I feel hurt that time and start unblocking him after 3 months. 

Three years waiting, finally he come back home. But he's not contact me when he's arrives. I don't know what's his doing. Maybe he's busy with his college.

He called me and said he wants to come to my office to meet me after working hour. I feel so happy that day, I asked my friend to accompany me to buy a gift for him when he said he's on the way. I'm in a store choosing some tumbler because I only see him using the same tumbler his mom gave him but suddenly he can't meet me that day. I want to cry, my friend feel sorry seeing me so sad. I left the store and call him, I was angry but most of all I disappointed. 

We still met that day because I insist to meet him before he got back to his university abroad. I feel awkward but happy seeing him and meet him. But again, someone call him and suddenly he forget that there's me in front of him, but he said to his friend that he's on the way. Again I disappointed.

Time goes by I meet him several time and the last time I met him was the day when I got motorcycle accident, he insist to pick me up, and drives me home. I can't believe he will do that for me, and that made me falling in love even deeper with him.

But after that he started to disappear.

He rarely contact me, until today I write this blog. Since February I brace myself to forget him, to get used without him, and don't think it's easy because it's not. I live my day with mild depression, so I try to work hard to forget him, but still sometimes in the middle of the night out of nowhere I'm crying so hard. Why I insist to love someone so hard when it turns out hurt me so bad. I always feel pain. 

Why did you hide my name when you post about me? Why did you shut the phone when someone come to you? Why? Why? Why? that's always in my head. Why am I not good enough? Why I'm thinking like that when actually I'm better than you in everything. Why you make me feel like nothing? Why am I like this?

Please help me, my heart hurt.


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