Are You Happy Now?

Hi, it's already 2021 and I think I don't have time to write something here because I'm too enjoying my life. As you can see my blog, I often come here when I was down and need to release the pain inside my chest. I did that since 2011 lol.

I really think that 2020 was amazing for me personally. I changed a lot, in some aspect, like see things differently, accept all the flaws in me and people around me. I realized that life isn't fair, so instead of mourning and sad every single day I should change my perspective. 

Like, I was so ambitious with my career I need to improve and achieve things each day each year and if I didn't get there I was so upset with myself and blaming myself for that. Also I was so afraid that I'll end up lonely and never found my love the rest of my life. I was so afraid I cried and always wanted have a boyfriend. I always wanted to draw perfectly the same precise face like the original photo. Also other things I really want to achieve my whole life. I can't be happy if I didn't get that one point, so I always feel like what I did is never enough. I realized why am I being a perfectionist like this? why am I too hard on myself? 

Having so much time with myself during work from home made me think that I can't do that to myself. I started thinking what if I'm not happy even after I achieve career that I wanted my whole life? What if I still feel lonely even after I have a boyfriend? and what am I gonna do when I can draw portrait perfectly? I never experience all those things why am I thinking if I achieve all of that, get all of that can make me happy? 

I realized I just wasted my time. Why not enjoying the moment I live in today? Working in my current positions is good too, I still get paid every month for living, I still have enough time to enjoy my life and doing my hobbies. Since I moved on from my last relationship I really think that being single is the best for me right now, I really enjoy it and don't wanna in a relationship (at least for now) until I find the right guy. I accept if being single is my faith, I really can't depend my happiness on other people. 

I spent so much time on drawing and painting, I love it so much. I started thinking that it's okay if my sketch didn't look like the original one, or I can't paint a bunch of clouds with watercolor. I can learn again tomorrow. 

I sometimes feel sad and cry or insecure about everything but I think it's normal to feel sad and tired, that's life. I can't be happy all the time, that's impossible. The only thing I can do is appreciate every little things in life. Feel happy when I can eat at home without spending money, appreciate that me and my family are all healthy. Appreciate that I still can laugh by watching BTS run every Tuesday, or appreciate that I still breathe and having all I need to live.

Appreciate every little things in life really made me happy. I don't have to wait until big things comes like having good positions on my job, or buy a house or buy a car or get married to Min Yoongi just to be happy. What if that big thing never comes? What if death come first before that big thing? So I can't be happy my entire life? I don't want it to happen. 


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